...or as some people may call it, "the province of Bulacan."
When I was growing up in Okinawa, I was pretty normal – I got good grades, enjoyed afternoons on a playground behind our house, ate mostly junk food and wanted nothing more to be a ninja. Though I wasn't exactly cool, it didn't matter that much since I always found ways to pass the time: I tried skateboarding, then learned how to ride a bike, and even got into a lot of reading and writing. It wasn't nobel prize shit... just shit that was fun. I always had ideas for short stories, or whenever I thought a show or some movie I had watched had a pretty crummy ending, I'd type the entire summary of the movie and change certain details. In short, I was never bored. I was actually almost productive.
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| This is what mid-day looks like. In the evening, same shit... except everything's fucking black. |
Then before high school, we went back here to the Philippines, and since we lived in Obando, Bulacan, it was a big adjustment. Flooding. No fucking phones/landline services until I was in college. And people in our small barangay were asleep by 9pm. I felt like we were stranded on a desert island. Luckily, I grew up wit good friends who'd always urge me to go out and explore other places. Though Obando was a ghost town, if you had 50 bucks in your pocket, you could make it home at any ungodly hour via trike: all I had to do was make it to Malabon, the nearest hint of civilization. By the time I was attending University at USTe, it was no longer a problem since I was renting an apartment which was real close to the campus. It was party central. Me and my buddies did everything there except two things: sleep and study. Fuck, it was college. I remember even spending Christmas and New Year's in that apartment... it was that fun. It was very much like ruin-your-future fun.
Fortunately, years later, I had the pleasure of working regularly for PULP. 12 years. And the great experiences and (mis)adventures and friendships I've built during those years made three things sure: 1. I'd lose more sleep, 2. I'd really love the city life and 3. There was always something happening nearby... always something to do or somewhere to go.
Recently, I decided I wanted to take a slower pace and move into our new house, even further in Meycauayan, Bulacan. I liked everything about it: new house, a pretty impressive internet connection (except when it storms like a motherfucker...), my own fucking rec room with all my guitars and amps... I mean, it seemed like I had it made and I could bum-around forever. But it was after the second month of staying here that I sort of got... bored. I had shit to do yeah, but just the vibe of the place seemed... dead. It's pretty much pitch black after 8 pm, people in the village don't go out much except for the village morons who like to have a shot of gin (or two, or three, or four...)and sing karaoke EVERY FUCKING NIGHT, and worse, the jeeps, shuttles and trikes seem to end their trips for the day by 9pm. So unless you have a car or a bicycle (or the preferred mode of transportation, the scooter...), you're pretty much shit out of luck, and will have nothing else better to do than, well act like a moron and drink alcohol all night, or well, smoke your lungs out as you stare into the vast, pitch-black nothingness. Believe me, you can only spend so many hours a day watching youtube or fucking socializing on facebook. If you disagree with me, then YOU are probably wasting too much time. Get the fuck up off your ass.
Anyway, after one of my infamous all-nite Friday hangouts with my buddies in Manila, I made it home shortly before 5am one Saturday morning. Now in case your city-ass doesn't know, people in the province wake up pretty damn early. As in before the roosters. I still had an extra cigarette, so before I opened the gate, I decided to sit down in one of the vacant lots beside our house, light up and take a look for myself what all the fuss about sunrises were (I haven't seen a sunrise in ages... I mean, I hardly sleep so I like my curtains thick n' dark...). It was still pretty dark, and I admit, a little creepy, so I almost shit my pants when I heard something walking through the bushes and saw a big fucking shadowy thing heading my way. Right before I was about to shriek like a little bitch, my pupils adjusted to the darkness and I shook my head in disbelief: it was a carabao. A fucking carabao.
At that exact moment, I told myself "fuck... I do live in the province. I am in the middle of fucking nowhere. It's true."
Anyway, since then, I decided it was time to make friends, or at least acquaintances in case one day, I'd need help from a rampaging carabao. Or a swarm of tukos (small, nocturnal lizards that make a weird sound, my western/coño friends...). Or run into an aswang or some shit. People here in my village are pretty okay – they mind their own business when they can, they work hard, don't party as much and go to church on Sundays like all Christians do (and did I mention they fucking love karaoke?!!). You know. Regular people who go to the mall on weekends, eat at some fastfood place, buy basic groceries and that's that. Now usually, I'm just mister hi-hello-how-are-you-just-trying-to-be-polite-bye, but I did start noticing that since people here have pretty simple routines, conversations are a pretty big deal, and they can't seem to get enough of asking everything about you. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the gesture and know that they don't really intend to ask the wrong questions or say the most fucked-up things just for kicks, but it's been a riot and I can't remember how many times I've tried really hard not to crack-up and erupt in a fit of laughter whenever some people try to get information, or make an honest comment about me. It is fucking hilarious. Hysterical.
So I decided to compile a list of the most memorable questions/statements I've gotten over the past few months of attempting to socialize with my fellow village people (what the fuck do you want me to call them?! I can't call all of them my "neighbors" since technically, they all don't live next to me in the same piece of land, and well, it sounds a little too Christian...). I don't mean to mock these ding-dongs, I just thought it'd be fun to share this shit, especially since everyone who has asked me these questions are adults, none younger than 30 years old:
THE TOP 10 MOST RETARDED (BUT FUNNY) STATEMENTS/QUESTIONS PEOPLE IN MY VILLAGE HAVE ASKED/TOLD ME
10. "Kalbo ka pala ano. At may tattoo ka pa pala."
+ Thank you for stating the obvious, genius. I mean, am I the only bald and inked dude they've seen?
9. "Madalas madaling araw ka na umuwi ano? Saan ka ba nagpupunta?"
+ I think this is a question only moms, wives and girlfriends get to ask. I think trike drivers should concentrate on driving safely. That's just me.
8. "32 ka na?!! E ba't 'di ka pa nag-aasawa?"
+ Again, a question maybe grand parents can ask, but not the best thing for non-relatives to inquire about. I mean, Jesus Christ, isn't there so much else one can do after college?
7. "Nag-gi-gitara ka pala. Ano 'yang dala mo, electric guitar?"
+ Again, I sincerely appreciate the interest, but isn't it easy to tell? Bulky soft case = acoustic guitar. Slim soft case = electric guitar. No case = manginginom na human karaoke machine na may akowstik na binili sa Sta. Mesa or Raon.
6. "Sabi ng mommy mo may banda ka. Bakit hindi kita napapanood sa TV?"
+ I don't even want to answer or comment when I get asked this. Usually, I just smile. Or try to. Or walk away. I don't mean to be an asshole, but it's...so...hard... to... explain.
5. (follow-up to question #6) "Ano ba tugtugan niyo? Rock? Parang Bon Jovi, or Siakol, ganun? Meron ding magaling maggitara dito tulad mo... puro Bread at Air Supply piyesa niya. Kainuman lang namin noong isang gabi... nalasing, suka ng suka...
+ Again, I don't mean to meddle with peoples' tastes. But come on...
4. "Dito kasi sa atin, 'di uso 'yung mga picha-pie at hambur-jer (sic)... 'di ka ba nakain ng kambing? O aso?"
+ Obviously, I made the mistake of talking to the resident drunkards, partying at the sari-sari store steps. I should have kept my mouth shut and just bought the damn pack of cigarettes. Suits me.
3. "Writer ka pala ano... ano sinusulat mo? Magasin? Ah parang songhits! Dati may ganyan kami e, 'Jingle' pangalan."
+ I admit, I'd rather people think I work for a songhits publication, than say, them think of me as Xerex Xaviera.
2. "Lagi kang may lakad ah. SM ka ata ng SM e. Wala kaming pera para sa ganyan e... 'pag may okasyon lang."
+ Last I checked there was fucking more than 5 other malls I could have gone to... and a million other places I could have went. Do I fucking look like a mall rat?
1. "Ah ikaw ba anak ni Mrs. Dizon? Ang taba mo pala!"
+ Horrible way to start a conversation, right? Maybe one day, when they finally open a 711 here in our place, they could sell these people some, I dunno, tact?
+++
Anyway, in all honesty, it's all good. Fuck, at least they ARE funny, and those questions/comments did make my day somehow. I dunno.
Fuck, now I want to go to SM.
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