it's funny how i used to have so much shit to write about. albeit it was mostly ranting and meaningless shit, i always found time to at least say a few things here, whether or not anybody cared to read or what-not. i guess i just used to be moved by things a lot easier than now. i wonder why.
you see, a lot has happened since my last lame post. more concerts, more great shows, a hell of a lot more drinking binges with buddies. many people in my life went through changes, i've ended relationships and started new ones and plan to end and start a few more in the near-future. but for some, weird reason, i no longer felt the need to write about it.
it could have been that i've been busy with the band, or maybe a little busy with work. but it seems kind of fucked that i had nothing to say about all that. there were numerous attempts, believe me... but none pushed through. it's been a long while since events in my life erupted into 30-minute, thousand-word marathons here.
which has got me kind of worried. this possibly means i'm no longer angry, or i've given up and settled for second, or i'm just not motivated as much by the simpler things.
or do i actually not care anymore? i've always talked about it, but am i finally walking the walk? it doesn't seem to be as cool as i thought it would be. not-giving-a-fuck.
jesus christ. it's actually kind of stupid to be thinking aloud about shit like this.
+++
or i might have trouble catching up with myself. and the shit that has happened around me.
in the past month or so, a few people who i've known for the longest time and who have seen me grow up from a small kid from Okinawa to the moron i am now, passed away. i'll admit, it wasn't all Partidge-family-like between me and those people, but they were faces i felt belonged in my life and would remain there for the longest time. from the dude who had hand-sewn all my high school and college uniforms, to the nice old lady who lived near our house (who was always involved in volunteer work and always said a polite "hi" when we see each other on the street) to the friendly guy who owned a small store across our house who provided me with all my basic needs for more than two decades: candy, soda pop, crappy local toys, then eventually beer, then ciggies then what-not. then it was my barber's wife, who was almost always there when i went to get a haircut. the guy who shaves my head now is the same guy who cut my hair since the fourth grade. it was terrible sight to see the guy almost break down when he told me what happened, as he was sharpening his razor and planting a firm grip on my head.
again, even if these people weren't really what most people would say "close to me," there was definitely a kind of bond that i had with each of them. and when i heard the news on each of them passing away on four consecutive weekends, even though i wanted to be sad about it, i just couldn't feel anything. it made me disappointed with myself. it made me feel guilty that i wasn't emotional about it. it was a terrible, terrible feeling... not... feeling.
i dunno what to call it.
but now, as i write this, it seems to all be coming in. it's as if all these thoughts and emotions are rushing into my head so quickly, it feels like my head's gonna burst and splatter all sorts of brain and skull bits.
and for once in my adult life, i don't want my head to burst. even though i've always joked about it.
i'll miss those people. they now make me miss who i was all those years. probably because the person who i was to them has passed away too.
i need a cigarette.
and some ice for my head.
0 comments:
Post a Comment