it has been a while since i wrote anything personal... like REALLY wrote. occassionally, i'd be thinking to myself: "holy shit! i'm running out of fucked-up shit to say" or "holy crap, i'm burning out!" it's surprising, but i seem to be getting a lot of actual work done... which is pretty good, considering the fact that honest people pay me money to write. it's just a little weird for me i guess, being the guy who's always complaining about this shit and that shit, the guy who always has an opinion regardless if anybody and everybody's asking for it.
maybe i'm not so pissed off anymore. am i actually (take a deep breath) "fine?"
that's what's been fucking with me for the past few weeks. not that i'm losing sleep over it though. it's just something i think about whenever i'm in the shower, or sitting on the toilet, or having lunch solo.
the holidays were quite amusing. not great or anything spectacular, but fitting enough for someone like me to write about. though the usual work load was a tad double-timed so i could have the luxury to party, i found myself breezing through the stuff that had to be done. a few misses but a lot of hits, if i may say so myself. great parties, lots of wine, even more packs of marlboros, lots of great music. it was nice seeing friends. getting presents, and being greeted. and even though there was a definite air of caution with the christmas and new year festivities, i managed quite a few half-smiles and got through many hours without looking back on past events that have ultimately defined who i am today.
on christmas eve, i got to spend time with my mom in church (of all places... go figure) and i was pretty roud since i knew it was one of the most unselfish things i could give since it would make her happy. then i slept christmas day away... which made ME very happy. then the day after that, i went to work, then was pleasantly surprised that Jade, who was home for the holidays, was in the area. great talk, nice food, and the best christmas present i received so far in the past four years: a fucking plain black hoodie that was just the right fit and just the right style. and in the bag it came in was a DVD of Slayer's Still Reigning concert. fucking great. what can i say? there are people who actually know what i'm about. and she is truly missed as she is now back in canada. jade is so... perceptive-and-lacking-of-bullshit. too bad she didn't meet the rest of the troop.
and in the remaining days of '07, i was able to undergo quite a few 25-hour hangout marathons with buddies and, well, people worth-the-time, in general. i like that phrase: "worth-the-time." "worthwhile" may actually be the more correct and eloquent term, but hyphenated phrases stress points. single words are just for intellectual bullshitters.
yet there were certain instances where i almost lost the groove. i was thrown off by a couple reminders, messages and other shit that i really worked hard on shoving into the back closets of my psyche. call it an escape, or call it cowardice, but there are just some thigns that deserve to be there. and they actually tried to resurface during the last days of the year. some unconsciously, some a little helped by instances i always knew would come anytime, anywhere... but hoped so much that it would never come, knowing that i hadn't planned how to act out in these situations. you can't plan for shit like this... you just have to feel your way through it. and most of the time, "feeling your way" means "fucking screwing up big time."
reconcillations were offered. half-apologies carelessly uttered. reasons were thrown to the wind.
forgiveness was sought. sympathy was asked for. new friendships were suggested.
i gave... none.
i don't mean to be a cold, selfish son of a bitch... but it's a matter of self-preservation.
it's a matter of NOT doing anything when something is expected of you because you know you're entitled to that right. it's a matter of being angry with an ineffable amount of class: you're fucking hostile but cool enough not to let it show. it's a matter of principle... not to make mountains out of molehills that shouldn't actually be there in the first place. it's a matter of learning from your mistakes by letting your past become one of those small, yellow post-its on your refrigerator; shit you want to ignore, but somehow need to remember.
it's about not letting your guard down. no one is invincible, yet it's all about harnessing all the negativity and all the bullshit you've been through and being human enough to admit to yourself that it all really happened.
maybe i'm not so pissed off anymore. am i actually (take a deep breath) "fine?"
that's what's been fucking with me for the past few weeks. not that i'm losing sleep over it though. it's just something i think about whenever i'm in the shower, or sitting on the toilet, or having lunch solo.
the holidays were quite amusing. not great or anything spectacular, but fitting enough for someone like me to write about. though the usual work load was a tad double-timed so i could have the luxury to party, i found myself breezing through the stuff that had to be done. a few misses but a lot of hits, if i may say so myself. great parties, lots of wine, even more packs of marlboros, lots of great music. it was nice seeing friends. getting presents, and being greeted. and even though there was a definite air of caution with the christmas and new year festivities, i managed quite a few half-smiles and got through many hours without looking back on past events that have ultimately defined who i am today.
on christmas eve, i got to spend time with my mom in church (of all places... go figure) and i was pretty roud since i knew it was one of the most unselfish things i could give since it would make her happy. then i slept christmas day away... which made ME very happy. then the day after that, i went to work, then was pleasantly surprised that Jade, who was home for the holidays, was in the area. great talk, nice food, and the best christmas present i received so far in the past four years: a fucking plain black hoodie that was just the right fit and just the right style. and in the bag it came in was a DVD of Slayer's Still Reigning concert. fucking great. what can i say? there are people who actually know what i'm about. and she is truly missed as she is now back in canada. jade is so... perceptive-and-lacking-of-bullshit. too bad she didn't meet the rest of the troop.
and in the remaining days of '07, i was able to undergo quite a few 25-hour hangout marathons with buddies and, well, people worth-the-time, in general. i like that phrase: "worth-the-time." "worthwhile" may actually be the more correct and eloquent term, but hyphenated phrases stress points. single words are just for intellectual bullshitters.
yet there were certain instances where i almost lost the groove. i was thrown off by a couple reminders, messages and other shit that i really worked hard on shoving into the back closets of my psyche. call it an escape, or call it cowardice, but there are just some thigns that deserve to be there. and they actually tried to resurface during the last days of the year. some unconsciously, some a little helped by instances i always knew would come anytime, anywhere... but hoped so much that it would never come, knowing that i hadn't planned how to act out in these situations. you can't plan for shit like this... you just have to feel your way through it. and most of the time, "feeling your way" means "fucking screwing up big time."
reconcillations were offered. half-apologies carelessly uttered. reasons were thrown to the wind.
forgiveness was sought. sympathy was asked for. new friendships were suggested.
i gave... none.
i don't mean to be a cold, selfish son of a bitch... but it's a matter of self-preservation.
it's a matter of NOT doing anything when something is expected of you because you know you're entitled to that right. it's a matter of being angry with an ineffable amount of class: you're fucking hostile but cool enough not to let it show. it's a matter of principle... not to make mountains out of molehills that shouldn't actually be there in the first place. it's a matter of learning from your mistakes by letting your past become one of those small, yellow post-its on your refrigerator; shit you want to ignore, but somehow need to remember.
it's about not letting your guard down. no one is invincible, yet it's all about harnessing all the negativity and all the bullshit you've been through and being human enough to admit to yourself that it all really happened.
i guess the real trick is still yet to be accomplished: when one finally gets rid of the yellow post-its. hopefully, i'll get there in this lifetime.
so in some major way, i remain thankful for the yearender memories and look forward to slugging it out in '08. it's all i can do, really... but those worth-the-time instances will keep me company.
I'm gonna ride this plane,
out of your life again
I wish that I could stay,
but you argue...
I'll do anything for you...
kill anyone for you.
So leave yourself intact
'Cause I won't be coming back
In a phrase to cut these lips,
I loved you...
6 comments:
hrm. weird. for some reason i thought I was at least a bit of a part of your holidays. if i wrote a blog, i would've mentioned that YOU, mr. joey dizon called me that time. one of the highlights of this season for me. weh. glad you at least had a good one.
tishie?
sounds corny, but i'm pretty sure you know you're always a part of my life. not just the holidays.
and it'll stay that way, i guess. which is kind of cool, isn't it?
i don't know. it's just annoying i guess how you ramble about these stupid people... her. she should just give u a break so people like me, who actually do care about you... get recognized. eheheh. i'm starting to hate her. a lot.
no reason for hate... i guess i've learned to channel hate into something productive, more of like a creative, and ultimately satisfying, release like writing in this here space rather than starting an old war again or something. it actually helps, getting it out of the way. and when you live alone like i do, you tend to get carried away. you tend to dwell.
thanks for caring. it makes getting by, albeit NOT any easier, somehow more fulfilling.
in a way, i've gotten time to think and i realize that yeah, maybe i should be spending more time with people i do actually care about.
tara yosi tayo.
fine. no hateration. but i still do not like her... a lot. lol.
i'm starting to want to smoke.. i just don't want to end up like a lot of people who smoke and can't seem to stop. it seems like one stick has so much power over them. it's so funny how human lead their lives nowadays. it's almost like a 200lb guy that's scared shitless when he saw a roach.
yeah.. i'm definitely going to start smoking. lol
i'd rather you not, i think you're doing fine without it. don't mean to interfere though, but it's a terrible, terrible habit.
but then again, who am i to say?
basta pag nag yosi ka, sabay tayo. hehe
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