run to the hills

it's a record... 36 hours awake.

i just couldn't seem to find the right push last week, so i just...let go. it was a choice between purposefully putting myself through hell and missing out on at least a good four hour's worth of sleep just to prove that i stayed up late, or a choice of accepting the fact that i was no longer functional and no longer had enough talent left in my brain matter to accomplish pending work.

i chose the latter. i simply told myself "fuck it... this is bullshit. i'm goin' home and fucking sleeping."

well i didn't sleep for a wink actually, because the trip to tagaytay was a short one. we left ortigas at around 4 am, and managed to make it to tagaytay at around 6am, just in time for an enormous breakfast buffet. it's been a while since i've shared a meal with most of my friends all at once, so breakfast lasted for a couple of hours, until the waiters were no longer smiling and were trying to chase us out. after a lot joyriding and searching for a place to stay, we all decided on a cool picnic area, traded more stories, stuffed ourselves with junk food and played a little game of in-between with a handy deck of cards. that afternoon, i saw how all of us changed, and how all of us were still struggling to fight the damn thing: life, or growing up, or whatever you call it. from the conversations in the car, to the ballbreaking over meals to the certain amount of grace and finesse and class we've learned to adapt with the way we do certain things, i realized that i hadn't been alone all this time in fighting a few aspects of change. that was a big comfort, hearing it from my friends themselves.

dinner was amost beautiful thing, as we not only ordered enough food for an army, but got to take a last peek of the entire province as we stood at the ledge of one of the highland restos and enjoyed the cold, cold fog enveloping everything in sight. the cold reminded me of christmas, and i was sincerely happy to see my closest friends happy with their girlfriends and wives, even though it did make me feel a little melancholic and made me miss having that one person in my life. oh fucking well...you can;t have it all right? though the people didn't strike me as warm and though i felt that the place couldv've looked so much better, it was charming in a way that i was reminded: that it's easy to get through anything if you've got really cool friends. we all just literally enjoyed each others' company...and the laughs were non-stop. it was painful in a way.... knwoing that the moment could never be repeated. i also learned that... that you acn be happy, but happy moments, once they're gone, are gone forever. sure you can make new ones with the same people or not, but it'll never be the same. in its being distinct, moments like the one we had standing right next to each other and not saying a word, could never be repeated no matter how consciously we tried. even if we did the same damn thing all over again, it'd be different.

had we stayed longer, a tear would've burned the side of my face.

in fact, i can say that i was happy. it's a rare thing these days...me, happy.
not that in some sick way, i'm used to it.
but yeah...i do have cool friends.

i'll surely miss them when i go.

it's all just too much for me here. i'm still breathing, but i just don't want to be forever involved in a lot of things that don't make me smile anymore. i'm not mad about it, i'm not even sad... but i definitely want to do something about it.

oh well, tueday's coming up, and before it happens, i'd like to go on record and say the trip to tagaytay was definitely a gift that's actually cool. the kind you get on christmas...and not on your birthday.

by the way, i had a chance to revisit the old me in tagaytay....even if it was just an entire afternoon. and i've come to like myself, looking at the old me.